Lay On
by Momosportif
Summary: CRACK WARNING! XD Itachi attempts to understand the motives behind an unexplained brawl between Kakuzu and Hidan and finds a springboard for his own partner-relationship in the answer. Characters are Kishimoto's! All hail Akatsuki slash! XD


Tee hee hee! We experienced a brief Naruto renaissance and, after stopping watching the anime in the middle of the Sasuke rescue arc, have commenced again and are currently enjoying the ridiculous avalanche of filler. XD Of course, we know so many spoilers it's almost not worthwhile to continue watching, but eh! It's fun!

In honor of remembering how fun Naruto is as well as an AWESOME AMV of Kakuzu, Hidan, Kakashi, Shikamaru, and (sort of) Ino and Choji's fight to "All to Blame" by Sum 41, I wrote this. It's about two parts me trying to write fight scenes and one part shameless Akatsuki yaoi. XD Please enjoy the crack-ocity of it all!!!

-bows-

-S

* * *

"Are you ready to face your judgment, mortal?"

Pale hands paused in the process of drying a dish and their coarser blue counterparts froze, up to the wrist in suds.

Uchiha Itachi lifted ruby eyes to Hoshigaki Kisame's small yellow pinpricks.

"Now, Hidan, I thought we agreed on no name calling."

"Ha! I didn't agree to _shit_!"

A swish of robes found an empty kitchen, the half dray plate spinning slowly on its rim to a clangy stop.

"Well are we going to bitch or fight? Time is money, you know."

"Oh, bastard! You just signed up to die!"

The low-ceilinged halls throbbed with the thud of two pairs of accelerated footsteps.

"We'll see about that."

The bearers of crimson and south were greeted with the sight of Kakuzu dropping into a solid battle stance as Hidan swept the infamous scythe in a wide arc before ordering quietly but clearly, "Come."

Time seemed to break down to nothingness in the few seconds it took for Kakuzu, seam-roped limbs taught with exertion, to cross the room and meet his partner in the center of the hollow entrance chamber.

Itachi blinked once, vision obscured momentarily by his bangs as they rose at the mercy of air currents in the masked man's wake, long lashes pausing half a heartbeat more than was necessary, and then flying open to see the duelers clash just as time picked itself up to breath life back into the scene.

The scythe was stopped mid-swing by a tanned palm.

The duo spared a moment to exchange glares before Hidan expertly wrenched his weapon from Kakuzu's grasp in a sweep to his right foot, sending a slight cloud of anemic dust into flight while Kakuzu used the momentum of the swing to spin on his right leg with his left rising up for a kick to the chest. The foot was met by Hidan's scythe as he brought it up in a wild swing over his head, sliding back with the impact of the kick before completing the motion, arms raised above his head and body open to attacks.

Accustomed to his volatile partner's style, Kakuzu very wisely made no move to take advantage of this target but instead used his precious seconds to side step, attempting to get to the Jashinist's dorsal side before he could recover from the forward slash that would have cleaved a slower opponent in half.

A question was burning behind the infamous red eyes as black began to swirl across their surfaces, but Itachi held his tongue, observing the massive form of Sasori and the slight figure of Deidara slouched in it's shadow on the opposite wall just as closely as he attended the battle before him.

Hidan filled the Uchiha's intense stare for a few seconds as he was sent flying across the current arena by a hard, merciless kick to the small of the back.

If there was a secret behind these atypical antics, Itachi was going to find it.

The paler man took the fall in stride, using the ground to flip over and land on his back as opposed to his stomach. Seemingly unphased by the fact that Hidan merely laid there, Kakuzu arrived with a leap, bringing his right leg down with all his weight behind it en route to Hidan's face.

A hard clang signified Kakuzu's failure to connect with his desired target and, before the mask-wielder could recover from the shock of his landing, Hidan expertly moved his hands to the center of his scythe, clenching the offensive appendage and twisting the entire weapon as he rose to a kneel. Kakuzu, foot hooked over the scythe was unable to escape as Hidan brought his arms over his head and forward, bowing his silver-cropped cranium as the scythe brought the unfortunate giant to a crash course with one of many stalagmites a short ways in front of Hidan.

With a jubilant battle cry that would merit the adjective "blood chilling" in any other context, Hidan sprang after his partner, bracing his scythe with his open left palm as he swung it back with the right arm, preparing to strike.

Rock flew through the air in all directions, some hitting the wall a few inches to the left of the immobile puppet master and some clattering at Itachi's equally still feet, as Hidan shattered the spire Kakuzu had been slumped against moments before only to find him returning from a well timed jump to land on the scythe and rear back for a kick at his face.

Hidan growled in frustration before letting his weapon of choice drop and retreating with a backwards leap to avoid the stout foot and then its companion as Kakuzu spun after his first miss in a shot to redeem himself.

Only Itachi's eyes were able to follow how very closely the larger man's foot came to Hidan's thin nose as the fanatic missing-nin threw his neck back to make up for a misevaluation of distance.

A strand of silver was battered off its course as dictated by gravity as the sandal soared over the vicious visage.

Hidan's feet found a spire. Kakuzu's kick made it to the ground, unsuccessful, and transferred the energy to the right fist as he circled once more to end facing his partner and the fist took the tip of another stony obstacle off.

Hidan took advantage of the fractions of seconds necessary for Kakuzu to reassess his next move by using his dodge as a bid to regain the scythe, twisting towards his attacker and using the vast expanse of seam-stripped back to propel himself up and over.

Wasting no time with recovering from his landing, Hidan utilized his forward force to lunge and send a pale hand out for the steel handle. A kick from the ground level brought Kakuzu across the floor but not quickly enough to apprehend Hidan who somersaulted out of range and into a run, pulling flush with the curved cave wall to glance back at his opponent.

From his near-splits position on the ground, Kakuzu switched directions entirely, spinning into a stand and backing carefully to the wall, eyes never leaving his combatant.

Their chests expanded and compressed with unnatural slowness as Itachi cast his eyes from one side to the other, scrutinizing every movement for an answer.

Deidara blew at his bangs, single aqua eye meeting the newbie's scarlet gaze as he did so.

He smirked.

The spell of sloth broke suddenly as Hidan shrieked, bringing the scythe back, and came bounding across the floor.

With a smart slithering, Kakuzu's hands flew out to meet him, coarse dark threads filling the space in a confusing tangle.

Hidan let his inaccurate swing slice at one of the writhing palms, barely recovering in time to swat at its companion in a backhand. As if in an intricate dance, the hands forced Hidan to retreat, reducing him from being on the offensive to being scarcely able to defend himself in the face of the furious onslaught.

Itachi subconsciously counted the short furious breaths that brought Hidan closer to the inevitable failed block he could already see coming.

As predicted, a hand escaped the Jashinist's notice, wrapping thick fingers firmly around the sandaled ankle and flinging Hidan in an arc across the room before he had time to realize he'd been captured.

Once again the passage of time became ruptured, bouncing to a halt, so close to a complete standstill that it did not take a kekkei genkai to see that, despite his apparent danger, Hidan was smiling.

The flash of robes caused time to explode: the scythe-wielder turned to take the wall with his feet and spun his weapon-

Kakuzu's glowing eyes narrowed as he sent the second hand after his captive-

The disembodied palm met its intact fairer brethren with a resounding smack-

The smile grew more maniacal as Hidan charged, clutching one hand in his own and keeping the other looped around the scythe at his ankle-

Kakuzu instinctively began to retract his limbs-

Hidan crossed his arms and weaved the scythe around the joined arms, making a loop-

Like fireworks, Kakuzu's eyes widened in realization, settling to a dull acceptance-

Before the sinewy strands could bring the hands safely to his wrists, Hidan sprang over the covered cranium, feeding his scythe through the loop-

He landed in a crouch behind his partner, releasing the hands-

Effectively bound by his own jutsu, Kakuzu could do little more than dodge-

Height turned against the masked murderer as Hidan effortlessly sent him to his knees with a wild kick to the small of his back.

The victory was clear.

Hidan stalked after his prey, falling to his knees behind his opponent and hooking the scythe around the front to rest a blade at the pulsing throat.

Kakuzu's back throbbed unevenly as he cut his eyes back to see that the devilish grin remained unshattered.

"Well, Kuzu?"

"Ridiculous…"

"Kuzu!" Any respect the often explicit missing-nin had just earned from Itachi dissipated as he went into a maudlin pout. "Stop being so serious. I won fair and square and I am _so_ fucking ready to collect my prize, you ass!"

"Well, dammit, Hidan, do you think you could fix whatever the hell you've done to my arms first, you intolerable slut?"

"Right, right, right!" Hidan hurried to the task of undoing his knot, all trace of malice evaporating instantly. "Details, fucking details…"

With a low hiss, the hands returned to their proper place and Kakuzu flexed them forward with a frustrated sigh.

"Details my ass… ahh…" Kakuzu stood to his full height and turned purposefully to face his expectant partner.

The Sharingan failed Itachi for once in his life as Kakuzu lifted Hidan from the floor and threw him over his shoulder.

"What?" he could not stop the whispered inquiry.

Kisame, completely frozen beside him, seemed to suddenly wake up with a shutter and turned to the small creature beside him.

"Oh, Itachi-san! Forgive me for not explaining earlier."

He made a small awkward bow.

Itachi's eyes flicked between the exiting duo- Hidan giggling like he was possessed and Kakuzu plodding along defeated but seemingly slightly amused - and his towering partner whose cheeks were beginning to turn a slight purple, "You see, sometimes Hidan gets a bit feisty and Kakuzu's not particularly fond of humoring him so..."

Across the room Deidara pushed off from the wall with a yawn.

"You ready to do this, Danna, hm!"

"Hmph. It will not last as long, I warn you."

"Ha! Today is a day for the needy, hm!"

The clay-master skipped out to one side of the hall, hopping from leg to leg in order to loosen up as his partner slid nonchalantly out to face him.

"They fight. To sort out their… disagreements. It actually works quite well."

"More like a day for the desperate," Hiruko's tail came down hard, shaking the cavernous foyer.

Itachi blinked once, vision obscured momentarily by his bangs as he pivoted abruptly to face his companion, realization written in every shock-contorted feature.

"Oh!" He spoke lightly. "That type of disagreement…"

Kisame shifted a bit, moving partially to obscure the view of the prepping combatants as if he could preserve some of the newest member's innocence. He scratched the nape of his neck nervously,

"Um, yes… _that_ type of disagreement…"

Itachi looked beyond his half-hearted protector to where the blond was stretching.

It all seemed suddenly very far away.

Kisame, for his part, was mentally cursing his cohorts for their lack of tact and excess of sexual drive, making a note to discuss this thoroughly with them at a later date in order to prevent other such displays of ardor that occurred just as frequently.

"Kisame-san," a delicately delivered but unquestionably intense tone broke his brief reverie.

Behind the tall collar of the Akatsuki uniform, Itachi's cheeks were as scarlet as the large orbs above them, but astuteness had never been listed among Hoshigaki Kisame's strong points.

His eyes were focused instead on the kunai knife resting in a lax but foreboding grip. "Will you draw your blade?"


End file.
